I was hoping for the delivery of a package today from London and sadly it has not come. Over here in Uganda we count the days between our care packages and so it is with some disappointment that I sense it is time for a good old fashioned Great Shiny West whine. I have not been back to the Great Shiny West for 7 months now and although I have cajoled numerous people to bring me M&S bras and Boots eye make-up remover this is no replacement for the real thing. So here is my bi-annual winge; get ready for it.
- A leg wax that does not take 1 hour. Today I sat and nearly bit off all my finger nails while a highly incompetent woman spread hot wax, millimeter by millimeter on my legs, then slowly, as slowly as could be, she pressed tiny bits of muslin onto my legs which she then rubbed, oh, say 100 times before slowly ripping it off. The whole process was akin to the type of punishment inflicted for treason. I did not deserve it and I nearly wept for those in and out 10 min legs waxes they have in the Great Shiny West.
- M&S. Yes. My personal shrine. I’d like some pretty underthings, maybe a sports sock or two, and a perusal of the shoe department. I could be in and out in an hour.
- Boots. My other shrine. Honestly there is nothing much I need, I just feel like touching pretty shampoos and looking. I have a problem, admittedly, and the longer I am out of a Boots the worse it gets. Last time I was in London my sister lost me in Boots and when she finally found me drooling in the Conditioner aisle she had to drag me out with promises of Sushi.
- Sushi. Enough said.
- A goat cheese salad accompanied by a chilled crisp white wine, served to me in a shiny White on White restaurant with starched white table cloths and handsome Scandinavian waiters. We all have our fantasies.
- A whole week without a power cut. And throw some good TV in there that I can watch with no fear of the power cutting during one of the best bits.
- A newspaper. Please. And a Starbucks to drink while reading it. I have come to believe that it is not about the coffee, Starbucks is not the best, it is a scam, it is all about the cup and the funny white cap with the space to sip out of. They have us wrapped in their outrageous ploy to drink $4.99 mediocre lattes because it is the adult equivalent of a baby bottle of milk. That is my theory anyway.
- Magazines. The greatest waste of money but such fun. Mine’s a New Yorker and an Oprah please.
- An old fashioned smelly cheese shop. I want cheese, with more cheese and then a little more on top.
- Super fast internet service. They call it Broadband here but that is more silky marketing than any sort of truth. What we have here is something slightly faster than dial up. Remember dial up, you lucky Great Shiny West surfers out there?
- Sidewalks/pavements/ what ever you want to call them. Just a scrap of concrete beside a road that I can walk on. Please.
- A bus. I would like a bus to take me from A to B. I will gladly pay for the privilege.
- A museum. Doesn’t have to be a big one. Just somewhere I can sit and gaze at art on a wall.
- Ok this one is very non politically correct so apologies in advance. If you are sensitive to such things as the cultural tradition to let the body odour simply be, please do not read on. I would like waiters who do not smell. Please. Waiters who wear deodorant. So that when they lean over to place the pizza in front of you, you are not knocked backwards by the sharp smell of Man Sweat. I apologize for my cultural insensitivity but my olfactory sense is rather sensitive too.
I think we are done here. I have drooled over the food while writing this and I have, in my mind at least visited a few shiny shops, read a paper and rode a bus, so I feel a bit better.